I have recently been referred for weight loss surgery and am currently in the process of trying to secure nhs funding for this operation.

Good idea or outrageous use of nhs resources? Please read my story and decide for yourselves.....

I currently weigh 125kg with a BMI of 43.  I have very high blood pressure and fluid retention and am on medication for both.  I also suffer with Antiphospholipid syndrome and inject myself once a day with Clexane to prevent further clotting.  I have in the past had pulmonary embolism and 2 x DVT's in my leg.

History:
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember.  My parents are overweight and so is my brother.  From a very early age I remember the importance of not eating too much being instilled into me, whilst I was surrounded by friends who could seem to eat whatever they like, with no weight gain - nothing has changed on this front.

My Mum took me along to my very first slimming club when I was around 12 years of age - I remember feeling like an outcast, a failure and a complete fish out of water surrounded by grown women whose soul focus in life was calorie intake versus weight lost each week.  I only went along because I knew my Mum worried about me and didn't want me to "struggle with my weight like she had"

At school I was always feeling like an outsider.  I had friends but was never part of the 'in' crowd - and certainly never got any attention from boys - unless it was to ridicule me!  School was a struggle.

At 15 I miraculously managed to join the crowd when I found myself falling in love with my childhood sweetheart Dean.  At two years my senior I felt, for the first time, attractive and alive.  At this time I was probably at my slimmest - I weighed around 10 stone and felt ok.  I left school at 16 and got a really good job as a trainee underwriter in London.  I vividly remember during one of my first weeks there being called 'a useless lump of lard' - maybe I wasn't as slim as I had made out - this really affected me emotionally and still upsets me now.

At 17 I was involved in a horrific car accident - Dean, who was by this time 19 was driving and I am very sad to say that he died in this accident.  This was the start of my devastation and what I believe looking back, to also be the start of my severe weight problems.
I suffered many injuries in this accident - I shattered my femur, broke my arm in several places, broke, my back and sustained several other injuries to my head and body.  This resulted in an initial three and a half month stay in hospital and over 15 operations over the following couple of years.  I was in a wheelchair for over a year and didn't walk unaided for almost 2 years.  

Looking back now I simply cannot believe that I pulled through something so devastating, both physically and emotionally and I guess that the very least that could have happened is that I would turn to food as a comfort - I gained about 5 stone during this time.  I felt fat, alone and tortured by the night of the accident and the loss of my childhood sweetheart.  Life was not good, I was offered no counselling and if it wasn't for the help of my family and friends I would not be here today - of that I am certain.

Life goes on..........
Once fully recovered I started braving the big wide world again - it was during this time that I met the most amazing, understanding, caring, giving, gentle, non-judgemental man who I am proud to say is now my dear husband of 16 years.  A man who could see beyond my weight issues and fall in love with the person inside.  We went on to have 3 gorgeous boys who are now 18, 14 and 12 and needless to say, along with my husband and family they are the centre of my world.

Looking back, I don't think Andy (my husband) or my boys have ever seen me really happy.  Inside I am elated.  I have the most wonderful man in the world, three gorgeous boys and a great group of supportive friends - but honestly, I hate myself.

I have dieted for as long as I can remember, I lose weight, I put it back on, I add a bit more to it - which has got me to where I am today - a fat, gross, unhealthy, morbidly obese, unhappy desperate 41 year old.

From the moment I awake to the minute I go to bed I have this overwhelming unhappiness gnawing away inside me - you would think that this in itself would be enough to make me stop the overeating but it hasn't - it doesn't.  I diet - I feel like most of the time. Am on one diet or another - I might even lose up to 2 stone, but I lose my willpower, I go on a trail of destruction and I put it all on again, and some.

Things I have tried:
I have been a member of Weight Watchers, Slimming World and Rosemary Conley at various times.  I have been to my GP on what seems like hundreds of occasions begging for the latest miracle - I have tried Accomplia ( worked great as it supressed my appetite - it was subsequently banned), I tried Xenical on more than a few occasions - I decided this was not for me when I soiled myself at work and had to lie to my Manager and go home - I didn't realise that there was fat in avocado at this time!

I have been to a 'private clinic' and been administered 'weight loss pills' or in simple terms an amphetamine - loads of energy and the need for food disappeared but they made me so I'll that I actually passed out in a shopping centre.  

Being a clean living, respectable mum of three I have very high morals when it comes to drugs - however I am also thoroughly ashamed to say that I also obtained speed through a friend of a friend - I have never felt so ashamed or that I had entered a world of sordid back street dealings.  I again lost loads of weight, utterly revelled in the compliments of those around me but boy did I feel I'll.  I was bad tempered, jittery and could barely sleep for more than a couple of hours a night.  This, along with my fear of getting hooked ended this 6 month 'diet plan' - and of course followed the return of my excess weight - and some!

Approaching my 40th birthday I had been dieting and was successful in losing 2 stone - on the actual day of my birthday I fell ill - I found out quite quickly that I had a gall stone and ended up being rushed into hospital to have my gall bladder removed.  I was mortified to learn that this is a side effect of obesity.  Since the op I have of course gained the two stone that I lost - and some!

Emotionally:
I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly unhappy my weight makes me feel.  To all intents purposes I have the perfect life - a husband who loves me unconditionally, three gorgeous kids, a nice home, a great job and an amazing family. I am thoroughly ashamed that in spite of all this I am not happy.  I spend every day thinking about being slim and healthy. Ways to get there, what a failure I am and will there ever be an end to this - and honestly, I really think that the gastric bypass is my answer.  

I don't love food that much - I eat because I can, I create my own trail of destruction, I get despondent about how fat I am and then eat out of sheer frustration for the mess that I am in.  If I could have this operation it would take away that need to comfort eat because physically I wouldn't be able to do it,  and in turn I would feel good about myself for the first time in my life.

Physically:
You already know that I have high blood pressure.  To say that this frightens me is an understatement.  It is known as one of the silent killers, I don't take that lightly and worry every day that I am going to die young.
I am in constant pain - my legs are very badly damaged from my car accident in 1987 and being overweight does not help this at all.  My feet and legs swell all the time, often feeling so bad that they may split.  My legs are so painful that I cannot remember a day when I didn't take pain relief.  I cannot get comfortable at work and have a special chair which I am mortified to say had to be widened to accommodate my large frame.  

I have constant back pain and find it hard some days to get around.  My joints hurt all the time, it used to be just confined to my knees but now I hurt all over.  I have been told that I already have the beginnings of arthritis and because of my antiphospholipid syndrome I am a prime candidate for rheumatoid arthritis as it is connective tissue disease.  I have very high cholesterol which I cannot ignore that, coupled with the hypertension this puts me as a prime candidate for a heart attack and heart disease.  

I get very out of breath - I cannot even walk and talk at the same time and get very puffed out when climbing stairs.

Emotionally:
On a day to day basis there are hundreds of things that affect me emotionally about my weight - I won't bore you with them all but will try to give you a snapshot of an average day; I wake up to a morning coffee in bed from my lovely husband as we watch breakfast tv in bed.  I am embarrassed as I try to haul my huge frame into a sitting position whilst hoping that he hasn't noticed his lumbering mess of a wife.  We drink our coffee and make small talk - usually about what a mess I feel and how I promise that I will go to the gym that night.  Hubby leaves at 6.20am for work and I rise.

I get into the shower, usually bashing my huge hips on the door frame because I can't easily fit through the gap.  I spend ages on my make up - this is my mask to the world - I always take as much care as possible to look as good as I can - it all seems a waste of time.

I deliberate over what to wear, each week I seem to get fatter so the challenge to hide these bulges that i am so embarrassed about, whilst attempting to not wear anything tent like is no mean feat.

I leave home at 8am and make my way to the station ( a 10 minute walk which I need to take pain killers to get through), i squeeze myself into a seat on the teain, much to the disgusted looks of other commuters who clearly 'feel' how fat i am and how much seat i am taking up.  And so begins my day.

Try to avoid all of the cakes and biscuits at work and be 'good' whilst watching those around me tuck in and still enjoy a slim physique.
Make my way home - by this time I'm so tired and grumpy and cannot wait to curl up on the sofa - most. Ights I never do make it to the gym but instead eat a meal that my husband has made (he always gives me too much but I never say anything, never refuse the portion size and always eat the lot).  

By 9pm I am struggling to keep my eyes open and end up snoring, much to my disgust, on the sofa.  I realise that I am unable to breathe in during this time so am always careful to carry out this act whilst hugging a pillow to hide my huge stomach.
Hubby wakes a grumpy me and I lumbar up to bed.  I am aware of the pinging and groaning of the bed springs under my weight - we never mention it but am sure hubby is aware too.  Most of the time I will turn my back on my gorgeous darling husband ( who incidentally is not only the most wonderful man ever, he is also extremely handsome and of average size).  He tries to cuddle me - bless his heart, he has all but given up any further advances as he knows how down i am about myself.  I move his arm so that it is not near my stomach and we fall asleep.  I am so embarrassed as I snore, very loudly - I am mortified by this and realise that it is because I am so overweight - how much more unattractive can I get!

Things that have happened:
I have lost count of the number of times that I have been left mortified over the years but I will try to list a few;
Walking the dog with Andy on a beautiful summers evening (thinking of the exercise and benefits to my health) - a passing car with a lout hanging out of the window shouts "you fat c**t" - devastated.
A BBQ round a friends - I sat on a chair and it broke under my weight.  They tried to tell me it was a dodgy chair but I don't believe them.
A wellbeing day at work - the BP cuff won't go round my upper arm and they have to send out for a special one.
A family trip to Alton Towers - I develop a new fear of fast rides.  The truth is I cannot fit in the seats but am too embarrassed to admit this.
Obviously the day to day issues - I love clothes and do try to look nice ...... Which is not easy in the handful of plus size shops I am able to frequent.

I do hope that this has given you some idea of how being overweight is making me feel.  If it wasn't for my amazing family I would have given up, but quite frankly I think I owe them more than that.  I am 41 now and want the chance to live - at the moment I feel I exist and struggle through each day.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. To be able to walk into a room and not feel like an outcast.  To not worry that I am too fat to make love with my husband, run around with my kids or even sit on a chair that may buckle under my weight.

To have the gastric bypass would be the beginning of my life.  I have thought long and hard about my decision and however I think about the down side of things I cannot see how the bad would outweigh the benefits.  A small sacrifice for me to live a longer, healthier, happier life and give my loved ones the Kellie that they deserve - because if I'm honest, I don't think any of them have really met me yet.........